@iinkedZombie

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

You Might Also Like

@pixelatedboat

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

@MomofTeen

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

@Proxic0n

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

@kindminds_

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

@bylinetd

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

@Mike_Bianchi

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.