You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Me: it should be called a threek
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.