My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do