My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

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Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day


No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee


Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.


For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.


Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.


Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.


Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.