My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
You Might Also Like
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My sex drive has a dui
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.