My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I have never related to a cat more
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Jesus Christ lmao
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth