My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.