My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
In space, no one can hear…
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Wikigenius
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.