My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Breaking news:
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
looks legit