My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I have questions??
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison