my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
You Might Also Like
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.