My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up