My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
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Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Bloody internet 😳
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.