My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake