My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!