My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex