My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
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We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.