My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower