My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong