My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES