My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.