Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
some things should go without saying
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]