My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Lmao
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots