@RickAaron

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

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@AnOrangeSNES

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

@LloBrow

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

@PanicRestroom

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@gvicks

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

@dafloydsta

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]