My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
You Might Also Like
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.