My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.