My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I didn’t realize that was an option
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare