my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Cheers Twitter.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.