My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
⛄️
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
#dnd #ttrpg
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises