My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
🤭😂
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
wish me luck lads
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.