My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
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Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.