My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.