[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
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Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!