My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
#growingpains
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
#Caturday
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN