My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
But I really needed water water water
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*