My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You Might Also Like
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.