My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
You Might Also Like
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
how long have you had this for?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”