My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
…..pretty much.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.