My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
good work, everybody
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I forgot how to panic. Help
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.