@cellapaz

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

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@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

@SmithWit

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

@wolfmannjr

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

@JohnLyonTweets

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

@PaperWash

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

@ilovepie84

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

@KeithAshers

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic