my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

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[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Me: Hey! Come back!


I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.


If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out


No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.


We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.


*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!


Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks


“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds


Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.


Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic