11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Other animals :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Me: or Worcestershire
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ