@JJSummertime

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

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@theshantilly

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@abbycohenwl

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

@treslat

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

@GingerHotDish

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

@JediGigi

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

@dmc1138

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

@djdarrellripley

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

@amydillon

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

@momTruthBomb

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

@notalogin

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ