My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
monday
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac