My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.