@TheAlexNevil

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

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@thegreatnanak

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

@Smooheed

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

@ArfMeasures

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@abbeyaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@CatsVsHumanity

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

@noog

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

@JermHimselfish

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now