my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.