my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
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did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
normalize having existential bread
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.