My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Made something I’m not proud of
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious