My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I’m not lazy
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.