My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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Imma just leave this here…………
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Tough love is true love
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
had to make it
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
the three branches of government
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]