my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too