my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I can’t be the only one 😂
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways