My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Weighing up my bread heating options
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.