My last name is Zilla.
You Might Also Like
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?