My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
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Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.