Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

It’s a gift

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.