My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Aaaa…CHOO!
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played