Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime